So, about Brian...

During last night's new episode of "What About Brian" I couldn't help but once again be reminded of Bill Maher's "Be More Cynical" Comedy Special. "The real problem with movies", says Maher, "is not violence. It's romance." Granted this is TV but stay with me here, I have a really good point. Maher continues to sacrastically poke at how unrealistic the common theatrical scenarios have become. "Guy meets girl. She HATES him. But he's gonna get her! Well, in real life that's called STALKING.

Which brings me back to last night's episode.

So say you're a guy with really soft hair and you like this girl. She really likes you too but the thing is, she met you in the bathroom right after you slept with her roommate, who also happens to have the same name as her (extremely hypothetical in my case). So she has sex with you but she's too nice to date you cause that's just like, not cool. So you walk the streets of L.A., pondering the meaning of life, because you know everyone just walks everywhere in L.A., especially at night and especially after they go shopping. Anyways, you randomly run into the girl. She looks flawless, just the way people look after a day of work and shopping. She is sweet and she puts quarters in everyone's meters because "Nobody likes to get a parking ticket". So you beg to call her. She says, "No, I'll call YOU." She smiles, turns around and walks away. You're smitten. She turns around again. Her hair is waving in the wind. She smiles again.

Gotta love escapism.

Gettin Jewy with it

Will Smith, aka the artist formerly known at The Fresh Prince, has found himself a new destiny. Bar Mitzvah Crasher! Yes, that's right. I don't even need to make any of this up. It's that good. And as the prince knows, when you crash, you crash gooood. So for example if you choose to crash with relatives, you crash in Bel Air, AND if and when you choose to crash a bar Mitzvah you crash it in Jerusalem. Because that's as good as it gets.

Oh and I should probably mention that (in a shocking turn of events) Jerusalem also happens to be the hometown of yours truly. As I said before, a little self-promotion never hurt anyone, right?

Mazel Tov!!

"The Real OC"

Help!! Where am I? Why is everyone screaming?! Why are the horses dancing and walking backwards?! How come everyone knows what to do like they have been here a million times before?? Who is Black and White? Why do I keep clapping at the wrong moments? Are we really wearing paper crowns? Am I an extra on a Burger King Commercial?? Is downtown Fullerton really the new hot spot? Seriously, where am I??

Oh that's right, I'm at a birthday party at Medieval Times, a place nestled off a thousand exits past my house. Just checking.

Disappointment of the week

I've always been a big TJ's fan. Inexpensive, organic and healthy food, just the way I like it. I've become an even bigger fan ever since the friendly TJ guys started giving me advice on life, love and myspace. But that all changed this week when I got food poisoning from their fresh cut pre-packaged cantaloupe. Granted, I should have stopped when I smelled something funny but two fresh cut pieces later I was losing all my lovin' for my TJ Boys. This better get me some free goat cheese.

Just Beat It.

As you can see from this posting and the one below it, scientists have recently discovered that not only will modeling turn you into an insect but it can actually also make you a more violent human being. Naomi Campbell has been charged with second-degree assault after allegedly bashing her housekeeper in the head with a phone in an altercation at her Park Avenue apartment. By the way, this is the same woman that almost got my friend "Jane" fired after hitting up the L.A. hot spots recommended naively to her and deciding to overstay her welcome and simply missing her thousand dollar flight. I'm a model, you know what I mean? And I do my little turn.

Girl please, spread yo' wings.

And just when I thought there weren't enough Omarosa's this TV Season, along comes Jade... A wannabe, cracked out, crazy, arrogant, bleached restaurant hostess on ANTM's Cycle 6 who best describes herself as a "Biracial butterfly". Yeah, OKAY.

And I'm a flowering falafel.

Sweet dreams and good night, don't let the biracial butterfly bite!

I'm A Bad Jew.

Look, even Madonna celebrated Purim (pictured here at the Kabbalah Center in Los Angeles). Apparently Miss Banana Girl was too busy looking for a cute green shirt to wear on St. Patty's Day. For those of you who don't know, Purim is like the Jewish Halloween. Educate yourself.

Seriously?

Ok yes. Maybe he is adorable. But seriously. Should Kevin Covais seriously be in American Idol's Top 12? After what has seemed like 50,000 episodes and about a million or so auditions is it not somewhat silly that Chicken Little is still in the running towards becoming America's Next (Top) Idol?
Bless his heart.

Best New Show on Television?

"CHEERLEADER NATION" premieres this Sunday, March 12th at 10PM/9 Central on Lifetime.Variety says that "Producers clearly found ace ways to draw distinctions among these girls... Production values are outstanding, and the producers have captured the appropriate tension and devotion that surrounds this world."
Hey, a little self-promotion never hurt anyone.

Worldly

GREATEST. (POST) OSCAR. MOMENT. In an interview with E! during their post-Oscar party coverage, Venus & Serena Williams were asked who they had been rooting for. "Well," said Serena, "we were rooting for everyone who won, but I was really happy for Phillip Seamen Hoffmore." As if anyone's gonna tell this chick she's wrong and risk being smacked with a tennis racket. Classic.

Unhappily Ever After

This just in -- The short lived couplehood of ABC's latest Bachelor has run its course. Who would have thought... The World is (once again) stunned.

In other news ABC is expected to announce today it will be picking up 20 more seasons of "The Bachelor" claiming it is one of
the network's staple reality shows.

You know what this show reminds me of? An old vegetable who is hooked up to a respirator by his family's last wish despite their suffering. Let it Die. Just let it die.

King of the 'hood

Jennifer Jones, a 21-year-old Lesbian Senior at Hood College in Fredrick, Maryland, beat out three men for the honor of Homecoming King. Jones had actually tried to run for homecoming prince last year, but a student committee wouldn't let her on the ballot. Hey, how does Pope Banana Girl the I sound?

OOPS.

I have GOT to give props to this cute little lady. I heard this story last night, slightly intoxicated but managed to promise myself I would not forget it so I could share it with all of you.
So my friend works on show that features a lot of Celebrities. To protect everyone's privacy I will refrain from using anyone's real name. So my friend, we'll call her Jane, excuses herself on a break during the show's taping. So there goes Jane, minding her own business, when suddenly she hears a loud fart come out from one of the other stalls. Following the fart were these exact words "God, I knew I had to do that!!". The voice behind door number 1? No other than Sue Johanson, the show's featured guest that day. I praise this woman for her honesty and think we all have a thing or two to learn from her. Have a breezy day!

How Eating Disorders Start.

Natalie: Can I just tell you that Rosario has the best body ever in Rent?
Banana Girl: Umm. She's Anroexic and like dying of AIDS in it.
Natalie: Ok, but still.
Natalie: She is so skinny.
Natalie: I want to be skinny too!
Banana Girl: Oh please.
Banana Girl: So you want to be homeless and have AIDS too?
Natalie: No.
Banana Girl: Ok, well be quiet then.
Banana Girl: And go eat a sandwich.

Maybe I'm not Oprah...

But hey, I can still have a book club.
As for this one, you know what they say. Its always good to plan ahead! And I've only got one more year to do it... So here I go. Get me ready for my crisis. My favorite chapter so far? "Survive Nine to Five" (when in reality Five equals Seven of course).

Help is on the way...

Up To Date?

As Comedian Chelsea Handler would say...

“Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either."

Or as Bill would say...

"Women need to stop complaining about men until they start showing better taste in them."

I heard this last night and just thought it was one of the most simple yet brilliant things I have heard in a long time.

The Queen's Diet

"A refrigerator full of water and Gatorade? Honey, that's just not gonna happen."

Just keeping it real, Dr. Atkins.

All Dolled Up

Dear Parents. This is "Blythe". In her free time she likes to hold seances, tarot card readings and listen to Goth Rock. Please keep her locked up and out of your children's reach.

Still want more Blythe?

*Thank you to Adam for this link.

Wheel of Fortune

My office fortune says that "Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues." If anyone wants to share their take on how this affects my future, I'm all ears.

We're in a Pickler

*American Idol's Kelly Pickler

(Please read the following out loud and in a strong southern accent)
"I had my first spinach salad. It was ok. Kinda tasted like picking the leaves off of a bush. I tried my first squid, they call that cala-mari? I can live without eating THAT again. I've never seen so many dogs with clothes, they have little hats, booties and jackets... they definitely have more clothes than I do."

She may not have the best voice in the competition but leave it to this adorable girl from Dubar, North Carolina to wisely put this crazy city called Los Angeles into words. Stay tuned to find out what happens when a nice girl meets a bitchy city.