Friday, March 31, 2006

Just Beat It.




As you can see from this posting and the one below it, scientists have recently discovered that not only will modeling turn you into an insect but it can actually also make you a more violent human being. Naomi Campbell has been charged with second-degree assault after allegedly bashing her housekeeper in the head with a phone in an altercation at her Park Avenue apartment. By the way, this is the same woman that almost got my friend "Jane" fired after hitting up the L.A. hot spots recommended naively to her and deciding to overstay her welcome and simply missing her thousand dollar flight. I'm a model, you know what I mean? And I do my little turn.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Girl please, spread yo' wings.



And just when I thought there weren't enough Omarosa's this TV Season, along comes Jade... A wannabe, cracked out, crazy, arrogant, bleached restaurant hostess on ANTM's Cycle 6 who best describes herself as a "Biracial butterfly". Yeah, OKAY.

And I'm a flowering falafel.

Sweet dreams and good night, don't let the biracial butterfly bite!

I'm A Bad Jew.











Look, even Madonna celebrated Purim (pictured here at the Kabbalah Center in Los Angeles). Apparently Miss Banana Girl was too busy looking for a cute green shirt to wear on St. Patty's Day. For those of you who don't know, Purim is like the Jewish Halloween. Educate yourself.

Seriously?



Ok yes. Maybe he is adorable. But seriously. Should Kevin Covais seriously be in American Idol's Top 12? After what has seemed like 50,000 episodes and about a million or so auditions is it not somewhat silly that Chicken Little is still in the running towards becoming America's Next (Top) Idol?
Bless his heart.

Friday, March 10, 2006

Best New Show on Television?



"CHEERLEADER NATION" premieres this Sunday, March 12th at 10PM/9 Central on Lifetime.Variety says that "Producers clearly found ace ways to draw distinctions among these girls... Production values are outstanding, and the producers have captured the appropriate tension and devotion that surrounds this world."
Hey, a little self-promotion never hurt anyone.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Worldly


GREATEST. (POST) OSCAR. MOMENT. In an interview with E! during their post-Oscar party coverage, Venus & Serena Williams were asked who they had been rooting for. "Well," said Serena, "we were rooting for everyone who won, but I was really happy for Phillip Seamen Hoffmore." As if anyone's gonna tell this chick she's wrong and risk being smacked with a tennis racket. Classic.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Unhappily Ever After


This just in -- The short lived couplehood of ABC's latest Bachelor has run its course. Who would have thought... The World is (once again) stunned.

In other news ABC is expected to announce today it will be picking up 20 more seasons of "The Bachelor" claiming it is one of
the network's staple reality shows.

You know what this show reminds me of? An old vegetable who is hooked up to a respirator by his family's last wish despite their suffering. Let it Die. Just let it die.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

King of the 'hood


Jennifer Jones, a 21-year-old Lesbian Senior at Hood College in Fredrick, Maryland, beat out three men for the honor of Homecoming King. Jones had actually tried to run for homecoming prince last year, but a student committee wouldn't let her on the ballot. Hey, how does Pope Banana Girl the I sound?

Saturday, March 04, 2006

OOPS.



I have GOT to give props to this cute little lady. I heard this story last night, slightly intoxicated but managed to promise myself I would not forget it so I could share it with all of you.
So my friend works on show that features a lot of Celebrities. To protect everyone's privacy I will refrain from using anyone's real name. So my friend, we'll call her Jane, excuses herself on a break during the show's taping. So there goes Jane, minding her own business, when suddenly she hears a loud fart come out from one of the other stalls. Following the fart were these exact words "God, I knew I had to do that!!". The voice behind door number 1? No other than Sue Johanson, the show's featured guest that day. I praise this woman for her honesty and think we all have a thing or two to learn from her. Have a breezy day!

How Eating Disorders Start.


Natalie: Can I just tell you that Rosario has the best body ever in Rent?
Banana Girl: Umm. She's Anroexic and like dying of AIDS in it.
Natalie: Ok, but still.
Natalie: She is so skinny.
Natalie: I want to be skinny too!
Banana Girl: Oh please.
Banana Girl: So you want to be homeless and have AIDS too?
Natalie: No.
Banana Girl: Ok, well be quiet then.
Banana Girl: And go eat a sandwich.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Maybe I'm not Oprah...



But hey, I can still have a book club.
As for this one, you know what they say. Its always good to plan ahead! And I've only got one more year to do it... So here I go. Get me ready for my crisis. My favorite chapter so far? "Survive Nine to Five" (when in reality Five equals Seven of course).

Help is on the way...

Up To Date?

As Comedian Chelsea Handler would say...

“Men don't realize that if we're sleeping with them on the first date, we're probably not interested in seeing them again either."



Or as Bill would say...

"Women need to stop complaining about men until they start showing better taste in them."





I heard this last night and just thought it was one of the most simple yet brilliant things I have heard in a long time.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

The Queen's Diet




"A refrigerator full of water and Gatorade? Honey, that's just not gonna happen."


Just keeping it real, Dr. Atkins.

All Dolled Up




Dear Parents. This is "Blythe". In her free time she likes to hold seances, tarot card readings and listen to Goth Rock. Please keep her locked up and out of your children's reach.

Still want more Blythe?

*Thank you to Adam for this link.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Wheel of Fortune



My office fortune says that "Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues." If anyone wants to share their take on how this affects my future, I'm all ears.

We're in a Pickler


*American Idol's Kelly Pickler

(Please read the following out loud and in a strong southern accent)
"I had my first spinach salad. It was ok. Kinda tasted like picking the leaves off of a bush. I tried my first squid, they call that cala-mari? I can live without eating THAT again. I've never seen so many dogs with clothes, they have little hats, booties and jackets... they definitely have more clothes than I do."

She may not have the best voice in the competition but leave it to this adorable girl from Dubar, North Carolina to wisely put this crazy city called Los Angeles into words. Stay tuned to find out what happens when a nice girl meets a bitchy city.

(Almost) Corner Office With A View



YES. I've got a view bitchesss. It's what keeps me going these days. Something REAL good better happen this week. Such a shame someone in Oregon already won the 250 Million Lotto. (Sorry this pic is blurry, all I had was my camera phone)

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Gorm Who?



Is it really that hard to add a few simple words to those cartoon drawings that come along with your unbuilt furniture? Cause I really don't think that any piece of wood has ever made me feel this dumb.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Spielberg Tries To Make History... But Instead Decides To Change it.




Keep in mind that you'll probably find the review below a bit too opinionated for your own good, but then remind yourself that this is MY blog so... Yeah.
I'll start with the ending because this movie became much more bothersome for me to watch towards the end. Spielberg chooses to end Munich with a still shot of the Twin Towers. We're not talking a split second or even a hot minute. You leave the theater with that image in mind. Now, one has to wonder - if the Munich Olympics were in 1972 and the Twin Towers were only completed in 1973, than what the hell are they doing there? Ahhh. A little birdie calls coincidence tells me that there is a strong possibility Spielberg and Tony Kushner may have been siding with the extremists that claimed that if it wasn't for the Israeli-Palestinian conflict this whole 9/11 thing never would have happened. These people may have not gotten too much attention, but yes, they did exist. So if you think those tall ass buildings just randomly happen to appear in the ending shot, then you my friend, are a tad bit naive.

As for Eric Bana and the rest of these fictional Mossad agents - Hate to break it to you, but these are hardly the typical Mossad guys. I only allow myself to say that because I know what they are like. They're not clumsy. They don't blow themselves up. And, In REALITY - the real Mossad agents never died! Spielberg kills almost all of them. Please. As for those who say the Israelis did admit to wrongful killings following Munich - that was only one incident and yes, it was a horrible, huge mistake. Ironically, that's not even the one featured in the movie. "Inspired by real events" takes on a whole other meaning, doesn't it? Lets try and stick to the facts people.

Now lets talk about Brooklyn for a second. Sure, any average moviegoer may not see the big deal about the Mossad agent ending up in Brooklyn (after feeling betrayed and abandoned by his own county of course). The average Israeli however, will tell you that Israel wasn't chosen to be the Jewish State just because its close to the mediterranean ocean. That's just a nice bonus. There's an incredible amount of history in that tiny little place. Regardless of this, Israelis and Jews can obviously live wherever they want (I for example am typing this as I overlook my view of the Hollywood sign). But when it comes to those who represent and work for the government the story is a bit different. By the way, Mossad agents don't really leave their families for almost a year either. Or end up in Brooklyn. Or Seattle for that matter. So what's my theory on this one? Well, here's another thing you probably didn't know. In an interview to the Times of London Tony Kushner had actually said that "the founding of the State of Israel was for the Jewish people a historical, moral, political calamity.... I wish modern Israel hadn't been born." Still think its a coincidence Bana ends up in Brooklyn? As one of the editors of the Washington Post bluntly points out - this is supposedly the true home of a conscience Jew. It baffles me that a man who says such things (there's plenty more where that came from, by the way) goes on to make millions off of the slaughter of 11 Israelis. Argh.

The bottom line is, we all like to go see fictional movies. BUT, you have a certain obligation to get the story right when you call a movie Munich and base it on such tragedy. Instead, the victims are used as props for political agenda (let alone for the political agenda of those who killed them, oops).

I have gotten into a few disagreements about this movie ever since it has come out. People will constantly tell me "How sad it is" and how its "Such a shame you guys can't get along." You know, we are dealing with terrorists here. Like hellooo, they don't really listen. Apparently, its hard to get this point across to even the smartest and most understanding people. The things you do to protect your life, family or country may not be the ideal ones in a perfect world, but we have to keep doing them so that maybe one day our kids won't have to worry about this bananas.

Brokeback Mountain is so winning anyways. You know you can't quit them.

Because Its What Jesus Would Friggin Do.



You know those weeks that kinda suck, and all you want is that one itty bitty glimmer of hope that's just gonna make you go, "Okay, maybe this isn't so bad afterall?" Well, that glimmer doesnt usually come in the form of an actual star (and by star I now mean a celebrity) but tonight kids, it came in the form of Dr. Alex Karev... Or Justin Chambers if you'd like to live in reality for some obscure reason. Yes, the star was pretty small up close, and maybe not so shiny, and yes, he was also pushing along a stroller, FIVE (gasp) children and a wife BUT - Nevertheless, a special moment for any dorky, Grey's Anatomy obssesed fan like myself.
See ya Sunday Alex! I'll be at Joe's.